展開屬天翅膀 如鷹展翅上騰

Is it a good deal to serve God? 

Last Sunday after church service, Dan had a monthly meeting with youth leader and I joined them. When it was finally over, it's almost 4 pm. I had a sigh on our way home and said to myself out loud : it's finally off work now. 

Wait a minute. Something is wrong about it. First I am not employed by the church, but I stay there anyway for a ride home. Second, I am not get paid for overtime working or company, why I consider that as a “job”?! Then my husband and I  started the conversation with each other about: is it a good deal for a pastor's wife to serve for free? What kind of hidden benefit we get when we serve The Lord? Is it worth it ?

A lot of people told me that being a pastor is hard, be a pastor’s wife is even harder. Yeah, I can see that. Living in the fish ball, all kinds of expectation/opinions/criticizes /standards from church and a whole lot of people I know or not know.

I know those questions are stupid/greedy as they sound, and I can see myself is so not ready for this position. If I dare to share it with some Christians, I can totally expect their rising eyebrows. Some might get offended by my questions and criticize me for that(I hope not). My mindset is still come from the Babylon world, and I am asking God: so, what can I get for serving you? It's all about my husband, his church, his ministry, What about me? You want me to give up everything just to serve you? What for ? I need a good reason that can convince myself. That is me, and my poor little questions.( It reminds me a dream that I had long ago: at a wedding ceremony, a maid of honor is not happy for believing that her dress is not good enough. Hello~~!! This lady, is it that important? You are just a subordinate role !)

Well, to be honest, there are two stupid things that I never want to try. One is trying to fool God, and the other is trying to fool myself. If I have those questions, then God knows it as well. What is the point to hiding them from God? The smart way is always to be real to myself, and to be honest with God. I am sure that God will not be offended by my questions. One thing I have learned for long: if I tried to keep a “holy image/mask”from others, I will be in trouble. For we all know that we are noting but only sinners. Anyone who really chooses to put on a mask and avoid to solve the real problems, then no one can help them effectively. By doing that, we are giving Satan steps to hurt us.

There is another reason behind that. It's about the doubt of myself. I am on the process of knowing my position, find a role, a place in this new city, new country and new church. I ask God the question over and over: why me? 

I am not from a Christian family, actually I am the first and so far the only Christian in my family. I became a Christian just a few years only and I do not have the informative background and solid foundation as it need. I never went to a seminary/bible school before and have no desire to go to one in the future as well. I know nothing about church culture, I do not know how to handle people (including myself).  I never thinking of being a pastor's wife (a lot of women told me that it's their dream) before I met my husband, my personality is never quiet and patient as the typical Christian woman models, and worse yet, I never want to go aboard. 

The only thing I prayed was to marry a Godly faithful man.(I did not mean a pastor though. ) No one warned me about the consequences of it, and no one told me that I should be careful about my prayers, because they might come true one day in an unexpected way. In fact, you will get more than what you ask for. 

The gentle push from God at beginning as I remembered vividly, it was almost 6 years ago when I was taking a shower at home and thinking about a young seminary student's proposal and taking to myself: “No....No....No...  It's not a good idea. I can't do it. I do not have that kind of and that much love, to love all those people.” I just want to keep my life simple. 

Suddenly, A whisper aroused in my heart: “it's not about you to love them. I am the one who love them, and you are only my conduit. “

The whisper contained so much comfort and assurance, that it seemed much much easy to handle as it sound at that time. So I said yes in the end.  

Being a Christian is a good deal , I have no doubt of that. But to marry a pastor, be the unofficial staff in the kingdom of God…, I am not sure about that. The big difference is that when people just do volunteer jobs in the church, they can quit anytime they want. But if you are a pastor couple and you want to quit….well, then you are risking your career and your marriage.

After we got married, there was one night we went to a prayer meeting. The prophet there had words for both of us directly from God.  We went there for an answer that we had been longing for almost 2 years : Should we really give up everything and go to Canada? Is that really God's will? 

The words for Daniel was:"Fire testes the gold. Only the raging fire can purify the real gold!! You are a warier of The Lord!…… "

The words for me was: " my daughter, you are asking how will I use you? You are wondering why you are still here. I know.  ...the timing will come soon.   Now you need to be fulfilled, and stay with me. You asked a lot questions. You are at a decision making point. I am going to lead you! By leading you, you will know that I am the only true God. Do not be afraid of other people's opinions. Just put all your doubts and questions on my hand. Ask me, I got all the answers.  "

"When I see you, I see the quality of wisdom. You can see what people can't see, because of that. Put those doubts in me. Your future is on my hand. The answers are in me. I know how much your are afraid of the unknown future. Don't use your brain too much, don't get discouraged by fear and difficulties before you make any choice. Just follow...keep following me closely... I am always with you, and will company you to go towards the journey of victory. " Those messages, we received 4.5 years ago, 2009 March. Then we landed Canada 6 months later.

But the doubt inside me never goes away. It came back all the time: what if I made a wrong decision? What if he married the wrong woman? What if...? I know , I worry too much.  God is truly a faithful God, he leads us as he promised, but I still wrestle with God, struggle inside my heart. 

Yes, a open check signed by God sounds very promising and exciting, but when things get rough, I always wonder:”Wait a minute…what is the detail of it ? Is it including my retirement plan? ”

A pastor mocked at me about that: “Sharon, are you sure you want to know, will you live long enough for the retirement check?”He told me that I can not negotiate with God, for what I have now are all from Him, including my life. More so, if you already know the detail of the plan, it would never be called”the journey of faith”.

Building up faith is a long term process. When I get baptized , I claim Jesus is my Lord. And after that, I was and will be given every opportunity to practice and realize what it really means, until my last breath. If you are pastoral couples, than chances are God will break you, over and over, until we can be used. Believe me, it's not fun. 

If I knew ahead of time that what I was going to sign up for (including a car accident ), would I still do it ? I do not know, probably not. Okay, definitely not.

Don't get me wrong. I know how much honor and privilege it is to have the chance to serve God. I know there has been a lot blessings on us, specially on difficult times. 

The really challenge part is to surrender, from inside out, every bit of me. I know my doubts and questions are from my self ego that I haven't give away yet. Insecure, fear, worry, ...I am not as faithful as I hope/I want to be. It's a war in the heart. If I don't fix it as quick as possible, then there will be cracks on our spiritual shield and weaken our marriage and ministry in every way. 

I went to bible study yesterday and I have been inspired by many points of view. Somehow it seemed to answer some of my questions.

^{Isaiah 45:2-5}

² ‘I will go before you

^eAnd ²make the ³crooked places straight;

^fI will break in pieces the gates of bronze

And cut the bars of iron.

³ I will give you the treasures of darkness

And hidden riches of secret places,

^gThat you may know that I, the Lord,

Who ^hcall you by your name,

Am the God of Israel.

⁴ For ⁱJacob My servant’s sake,

And Israel My elect,

I have even called you by your name;

I have named you, though you have not known Me.

⁵ I ^jam the Lord, and ^kthere is no other;

We learned about the book of Daniel, and the king’s dream. From Golden head, to soil feet. A question whispered in my heart : Is it worth it ? Do you really want to trade the value of God with the other values in the world ?

And when we just about to finish the second hour of our bible study this week, the instructor talked about a capstone as a conclusion. She told us that Jesus was and will be the capstone. The capstone got delivered early, so at first it seemed like did not fit anywhere of God’s temple. But when it was about done, the builders need it to support the whole building and to make it complete, then it fit in the end.

My husband told me that a cornerstone plays the same role in the building. It keeps the whole building balanced and holding up other blocks altogether, while it usually hiding in the basement where no one can easily see.

So, a place where hiding in the dark. A position that might not fit at first, but will fit eventually. The importance of holding the balance of the family. The value is not easily be seen by most of the people. That is me, a housewife of the family, a servant’s wife in God’s kingdom.

Dear Lord, please still keep your plan uncovered. I do not want to know all the detail. I lost the desire of knowing it, including the benefit package plan. All I need to know, is that you are, and you will be with me all the way till the end. And that is good enough, and is already a treasure and blessing itself.